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Daily Recovery Blog

Tuesday Oct 20, 2020
"My ego keeps me from you and God from me." - George C.

When I wanted something, I would spend an inordinate amount of
time figuring out how I could get it. I usually became obsessed
with the object of my momentary desire. I was not taking any time
to see if it was even healthy for me. It did not matter if it was
bad for me, because I would rationalize or justify it. My
thinking was messed up. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it.
I would even pray for what I wanted hoping to get God on my side.
My ego made me believe that I could control the outcome. I had no
real experience with prayer. I know I always felt either better
or less than others. I can never remember being okay or
satisfied. I guess I was in constant turmoil. When I heard
everybody here was equal, I did not believe it. I compared my
insides with your outsides. My sponsor once told me that God has
only three answers for me: 1.) No. 2.) No, I love you too much -
and 3.) Yes, and this much more. It never hit home until I was
hurting really bad and another addict told me that rejection can
be God's way of protecting me. My personality was fragmented. I
was fortunate to be surrounded with clean addicts offering
positive suggestions. My feelings were thawing out, and I was
lonely and scared. The thought of not being in control frightened
me. I was reminded that I had a loving God. I learned to be more
sincere in my prayers. I learned to let my ego go and let God
come in.

"Action without prayer is arrogance, prayer without action is
hypocrisy." Jose Zayas

Monday Oct 19, 2020
"If your knees knock, kneel." - Michele D.

I spent many days praying to a God I did not understand. Most my
prayers were more like screams for help. I must have had a
guardian angel that looked over me during my using years. Like
many addicts I prayed only when my life was in turmoil. I knew
deep down God heard me. I do not ever remembering praying when
things were good. It was suggested to me, that in the morning I
ask for help and in the evening I say thank you. I am happy to
say I followed that suggestion. I must admit in the beginning it
was no more than lip service. I remember addicts sharing about
how important it was to develop a God of my own understanding. I
heard old timer say it helped more if I got on my knees when I
prayed. He said it was a sign of respect. He mentioned that if I
was going to visit the Queen I would bow in respect. I was
fortunate that their suggestions made sense to me. There was
little to no serenity in my life. Many times my prayers were
given because I was simply afraid that I was going to use again.
After a few weeks of starting my day with prayer, if I had
forgotten to pray in the morning, it only took a couple of hours
before I began to feel uncomfortable. I learned for this addict I
feel much better when I remember to pray.

“If we pray little, it is probably because we do not really
believe that prayer accomplishes much at all." - Wayne A. Grudem

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